The link below is a blog post at A Practical Wedding written by a
woman who is rebuilding a relationship after abuse. It's an amazing and
brave post. You should go read it. The link was sent to me by a friend
who supervises the volunteers at a domestic violence and sexual assault
agency. One of the volunteers had posted the link on an internal social
media page.
Before you jump down my throat for condoning partner
violence (I don't), please don't read any further if this kind of
discussion hurts or infuriates you. Also if you don't have time to do
the reading and thinking, move on. Life's too short.
The Redemption of the 52%: Rebuilding a relationship after abuse
My
day job was work for people who survived abuse or the family of those
who haven't for over 25 years - basically since I was a very young,
cranky, idealistic woman. That work included a 10 stint as a domestic
violence shelter director. I have always been struck by the zealously
unforgiving nature of the work. People who are advocates for partner
violence victims can espouse something akin to hatred for anyone who has
chosen to abuse a partner or a child. Some of that attitude isn't real -
it is simply the easiest broad stroke to take in a world that has
little patience for sophistication. A 60 second public service spot
doesn't offer the space to do much else than bark out that the violence
must stop and is evil. And, golly knows funders and politicians don't
want to contend with any waffling ideals out there. Thus our attitudes
can be sharp, succinct and lofty. Yet, we know better. We know it's not
simple. Victims aren't the good guys and abusers aren't the bad guys. We
know there is no 'they' = there is only us. Violence in relationships
is much more complicated. It is a huge hurdle to get from a sound bite
to reality and back again.
Anti-partner violence work is surreal
sometimes. I had staff who were in abusive relationships themselves
telling women to leave abusive partners unequivocally because that was
"the party line" - then unable to sleep at night and suffer from very
complicated stress. I've had staff arrested for battering who were
working with victims within the week - and doing a good job - really.
And I've had staff leave a copy of their will under my office door at
night because they were afraid their partner would kill them. What I
have learned is that love and violence are intensely complicated and
linked in cultures and social norms. It's messy out here. I sat in
meetings where there were discussions about how we couldn't have
batterers on the agency grounds while I knew of more than one person in
the staff audience who was under the restrictions of a protective order.
My heart was breaking for everyone in those moments.
The points that rang significant to me in the blog above are:
1)
his friends held him accountable and didn't allow him to shirk his
abusive behaviors - but, continue to love him and support him. None of
us can heal and then change without both those things. But we all have
the capacity, no matter how rarely it happens, to both heal and change
when we have this gift of accountability and love. Young man, you are
blessed. Never, never devalue what you have.
2) our culture always
blames the victim first - we blame ourselves, people who hurt us blame
us, our friends and families blame us, therapists blame us. So ugly. We
have to change that as a society. Every day.
I left my job of 20
years at a dv agency last year (I'm working on a PhD), and I have been
able to begin constructing a newer story about partner violence. One
that allows us to live in reality and carry on to reduce the violence in
the spirit of healing everyone equally, victims and abusers, and
everyone in between. The story in the A Practical Wedding blog helps.
So do other stories we hardly ever tell; the people who raised abusers,
the people who have been with multiple abusers, the people who were
abusive, the friends of abusers and victims, the anti-violence workers
who chose violence. You know; all of us.
